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We have to stop these mad, murdering zombies!  
07:18pm 15/12/2007
 
 
A Few Villagers Short of an Angry Mob
Man I though Burial Ground (a.k.a. The Nights of Terror) was bad, but at least it had competent gore and zombies that looked mildly convincing (from a distance... in the dark... on a bad TV). Also it had a twenty-six year old jockey playing a small child with an oedipus complex who said things like "Mama your breasts are so soft!" in this hilarious, dubbed, adult-impersonating-a-small-child voice. It was bad, sure, but compared to Zombie Lake it looks like Oscar material. Seriously, anything short of Troll 2 would be a shoe in for best picture if this movie was the only competitor. At least the title was semi-accurate because there was, in fact, a lake and there were also zombies (or hulk-green underwater Nazi vampires, which is close enough, I guess).

So we start out with this lady skinny dipping, in THE LAKE OF THE DEAD (which -despite its sinister name- seems to attract a lot of young French women who hate clothes) we are never in doubt that she is nude because the camera languidly zooms in on her various neither regions whilst soft porn type jazz plays in the background. Then we get shots from underwater indicating that something is stalking our nameless heroine. Then a guy with the remnants of his green makeup oozing off his face (note to filmmakers: use waterproof makeup for underwater zombies) attacks and kills her as the softcore elevator/porn music continues to play.

Then we cut to a quaint little hamlet on the shores of THE LAKE OF THE DEAD where more young women are being killed, and a reporter is nosing around, trying to find out the history of the lake. The mayor fills her in on the dirt: The lake was used for human sacrifices back in the Middle Ages, and then a few years ago the townspeople killed some Nazis and tossed them in, now the Nazis are back for revenge. Oh and one of the Nazis was actually good and he impregnated a local woman. Or something.

Meanwhile a group of female volleyball players arrives on the shore of THE LAKE OF THE DEAD and -predictably- decide to go swimming without those nasty, confining bathing suits. Hideously annoying pop music plays and they die. The local government catches wind of this and sends some inspectors to harass the locals, scoff at local legends and then die. The mayor freaks out and organizes a militia which attempts to fight off the zombies and the resulting conflict ends in a draw.

Meanwhile one of the Nazi Zombies (who turns out to be the guy who was in love with a local lady) has reunited with his daughter and they've been bonding. No. Really. We get several "sweet" scenes of Zombie Daddy giving her his necklace, taking her for walks and having a Nazi Zombie brawl to keep one of his undead buddies from snacking on his kid. The mayor finds out about this and convinces the kid that she should give her dad the best gift ever -a horrible fiery death.

The little girl reluctantly agrees and asks the mayor for a lot of fresh blood. He provides it for her (it's best that we don't know how, I think), she feeds it to her dad (seriously a guy eating blood out of an eight-year-old's hands is not something I ever wanted to see) and lures the rest of the zombies into a windmill (windmills are good for trapping and burning things). The mayor gets his old flamethrower(!?) and roasts the zombies. The little girl cries. FIN.

Did I mention that the special effects are bad? In one scene a character is clutching his eye while blood pours down his face. The camera pans down and the tube delivering the fake blood is clearly visible for several seconds.
mood: weirdweird
 
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